Help me heal me...

I'm a fraud.

Everyday I wake up and pretend everything is fine, I lie to myself and everyone around me.

Every time I go out and run several miles in fancy running gear, I'm just a child playing dress-up hoping mommy won't catch me.

Every charity I volunteer for; every donation of my time is a falsehood wrapped around a very real personal need.

I'm not fine.

Everything I do; everything I throw myself into is a distraction from the truth.

I'm hiding.

I'm trembling.

I'm so scared of dying, I'm trying to live to the fullest... only to find my life is not my own.

I need a vacation from myself.

I need to heal.

Doctor, doctor; Can't you see I'm burning, burning...

Inaction is stagnation.

Action, on the other hand is terrifying.

My doctors weigh the pros and cons of action, and they recommend inaction.

I'm told there is very little to gain and too much to lose by pursuing an aggressive stance.

I'm told my situation is ideal.

I'm told I should be relieved for the time being.

So why is it that I'm not?

I don't want to be sick.

Honestly, I don't want surgery.

But still I carry this uneasy feeling in my heart. I know I'm sick. I know I must remain vigilant. I'm a ticking time bomb on the verge of exploding...

I'm burning inside, but the doctors don't seem to notice.