I found love in a hopeless place...

We all take things for granted on a daily basis. I'm no more guilty of this than I am less guilty of this.

I take the fact that the sun will rise tomorrow for granted.

I take for granted that when I wake up there will be food ready for me to eat, courtesy of my ever suffering and overworked spouse.

I don't worry about these things, whether big or small, because I've come to rely on them. They are facts, in my world. They are unchangeable, steadfast & permanent.

I'm wrong, of course. As I am about a great many things.

That's the thing about taking things for granted. You never realize you do so until your world is shook, and you come to find out that permanence isn't always permanent.

I used to take for granted the fact that I could easily walk from here to there, or I could eat anything I wanted without an adverse effect, or even that if I cut myself I would clot SO fast there was no need for a bandaid.

Having been dealt a blow to my worldview in the past so many months, I am now less inclined to take stuff like that for granted. I know now, that it's only matter of time before I find it harder to walk, or when my diet will be restricted even further, or when I will bleed out.

I'm more aware of my blessings, in essence. I'm conscious of the good, where before it was an afterthought, if I even thought of it at all.

The odd thing about this transformation of my perception is that I have been granted a new view, not just of my world, but of myself. I don't take myself for granted anymore.

I'm working on improving myself, because I realized once I discovered I was taking myself for granted, I was also neglecting myself. I don't know why. It could have been residual teenage self-loathing, age related depression, or simply laziness. Perhaps the truth lies in a combination of all three with some yet undiscovered cause. I don't know, and I don't care. All I know is that it's over.

Like with many things taken for granted, the power lies in ignorance. Once you know you're taking something for granted, you tend to do it less, even if just out of guilt. Boom. The power is gone.

So I'm now vigilant.

I'm still taking a few things for granted, like the sun rising, but I do take a moment now and then to watch it rise and allow myself to bask in the awesomeness of it.

Small steps.

If anything good has come from my facing my mortality it's this.

If I could do it all over again...

One of the topics I now cling to is that of regret. I guess it goes hand in hand with this nostalgia for better days.

I sometimes wax poetic on the many choices I have made in my life, and with the superpower of hindsight at my disposal, question them.

Do I regret many things I have done? Sure. But oddly enough not as many as I would have thought. I regret times I've lost control of my anger and said things or done things just to inflict pain, not because I actually felt them. Things I have done, or said that I genuinely felt, regardless of the outcome, those things I do not regret.

So does that mean I'm genuinely happy with my progress in life if my regrets do not outweigh my triumphs? I don't know.

I'd still do a few things differently.

Not many things, just a handful really.

I'd love to have a conversation with myself and give myself advice at various stages of my development.

I'd take 4 year old Anna aside and say, "You won't always be lonely. You'll make friends who will genuinely like you for you. Don't try so hard."

7 year old Anna would be told, "Girls are jerks. Forget them and stop trying to be something you're not comfortable with. Go play with the boys and ignore their taunts."

My 10 year old self would be told, "Buy that Don Mattingly card for $1. You'll always regret it if you don't."

Teenage Anna at the ripe old age of 16 would receive the best advice. "Don't be ashamed. You are more beautiful than you believe yourself to be. Don't sell yourself short. Don't be afraid. Your heart may hurt but it will never break permanently. Go to the University of Miami."

It's bittersweet to linger on these thoughts. I remember my innocence and long for it, but don't wish to lose the self I've become.

We are after all the sum of our experiences and by default, our choices. Sure I may not have the job I want, but I am the person I want to be. Perhaps those things I wish I could change, those regrets I would prefer to avoid, are the very things that have shaped me.

I still wish I had bought that 1986 Topps Don Mattingly card, though.