Distractions in its many forms...

I've never been one to lack hobbies. 

When I was younger I collected baseball cards, non sports movie cards, stickers, and all manner of cheap candy store counter fare.

As I got older I switched to comics and toys.

I draw, I paint, I play video games, I used to play tennis and I've taken up running.

I always figured my hobbies were my way of handling my addictive personality. Addiction runs in my family from the silly (arts & crafts, sports, memorabilia) to the scary (drugs, alcohol, eating disorders). I suppose I'm lucky that all in my immediate family tended to find their addictions in the silly. My extended family was not so lucky.

I'm the first to actually recognize and admit our "familial habits" as addictions, though. 

Since the age of 15, I've looked at my hobbies as an addiction, and I've accepted it as a force stronger than myself. But I figured that as long as it wasn't hurting anyone, myself included, it would be okay. 

I continue collecting, drawing, playing, and running to this day. I meet all my obligations, I pay my bills, I go to work, I spend time with family, so I figure its still okay.

But is it really?

I've been asking myself this with greater frequency lately. 

Are my "hobbies" addictions or are they distractions? Do they fill a hole in my life, or do they just direct me to distraction? Is it the same thing?

I've found myself obsessed with various distractions... All to avoid my pending medical issue.

Isn't that what addictions do? Allow you to avoid pending issues in your life? Something to take the pain away? Or is it just a distraction that you could control if you really tried?

I don't know.

All I do know is I'm going through life right now in a state of active denial about my final fate. It's an "active" denial since I'm purposely distracting myself to forget it. Maybe if it was a passive denial it would be better. I'd be able to believe it and it wouldn't haunt me during the quiet moments.

I'm done rambling incoherently. I have no point to this blog. I'm just doing this to distract myself anyway.