Ch-ch-ch-changes...

"Turn to face the strain." (Yes, I know it's "Strange"-work with me here.)

David Bowie might as well have been singing about me.

It's funny how different people handle the strain and stress of their lives. I've seen folks completely break down and give up, and I've seen tremendous courage rise up from depths of despair I would have thought impossible.

Unfortunately, the Jeff Conway's greatly outnumber the Christopher Reeve's.

In the silence of the night, I've often wondered which I would be if dealt a hand of physical adversity. I never quite answered my musings, since it seemed futile to play such a morbid "what if" game. I mean, what was the point? I was immortal after all.

Funny how things change.

So now's the time to finally answer my silent, unspoken question... Am I a quitter or am I a fighter?

All my life I've leaned towards the path of least resistance but have on occasion grabbed life by the balls and jumped out of my comfort zone. The one time I did go all out, flew by the skin of my teeth and took the road less travelled, I was unhappy with the result. I came to the conclusion that there is obviously a reason WHY the road was less travelled... And that I should have stayed on the main thoroughfare. Since then, least resistance has been my standard modus operandi, so much so that most times I offer less than least resistance. I offer none, and stand perfectly still.

Given this self knowledge, I would think quitting would be right in tune with my usual song and dance. This is why I am so surprised to see the small changes happening in me. Everyday I notice slight differences in how I handle things.

For lack of a better term, or lack of a better cliche, I have been in a decade long rut... While in this rut, I became this lame, timid, shell of my former self. I became the quitter who was afraid to take a risk and, well, LIVE.

I'm slowly noticing that quitter disappear. I don't know if it's being replaced by a fighter just yet, but I do feel it's being replaced by ME. The me I was before. The me that was immortal... with one big caveat: immortality with maturity.

I don't laugh in the face of fear as I did when I was young, but I'm no longer cringing and hiding from it. I'm facing it head-on, acknowledging it, respecting it... Then grabbing it by the balls!

It only took dying to learn how to live again.

"Time may change me... But I can't trace time."