Finally seeing the forest for the trees...

It strikes me how easy it is to go through life with blinders on. I know I spent much of my young adulthood like that. Heck, I believe I spent much of my teenage years with the same single minded, see only what is in front of me at the moment mindset.

It's so easy to get caught up in life's little dramas and inconveniences that you forget to breathe. I survived so long holding my breath that when I finally took one, I went into a metaphorical shock.

I'm breathing now.

I running without my blinders, and I'm looking around.

I'm concentrating on what I have instead of what I do not.

And I'm thankful.

I'm alive.

I'm asymptomatic.

I have friends and family who support me when I cannot stand on my own.

I'm hanging on by a thread, but that is one strong thread which I trust won't let me down.

I'm blessed.

And this year when I sit down to Thanksgiving dinner, I won't have to search far for something to be grateful for.

Knock...knock...knocking on heaven's door...

I am beyond exhausted.

After a late night visit to my local emergency room with a fever that spiked as high as 103, I was informed that somehow, somewhere my body had picked up a bacteria infection.

Fun fact about my medical condition, bacteria infections are very hard to fight off.

Then after being on 2 different antibiotics, I'm informed that the cultures they took, well, they show this strain is resistant to both antibiotics and I would need to discontinue both and start a third.

5 days I was on these other antibiotics. 5 days I thought I was getting better, but in fact I was getting worse. My body could feel it. My fatigue was soul crushing. I couldn't stay awake, I couldn't sleep. Every part of my body that could possibly hurt did. I couldn't eat, I couldn't throw up... there was absolutely no relief.

I had never seriously thought of taking my own life.

I did this past week.

Repeatedly.

I'm on day 2 of the new antibiotic. It's too early to say if it's working or not, but my cloudiness and dizziness is  at the lowest it has been this week, so I suppose that's a good sign.

I can't wait for this fatigue to lift.

I've got things to do, and places to be, or something along those lines.

But this "minor" illness I've experienced this week has opened my eyes a bit. If as my disease progresses, this is what I have to look forward to, well, I sure as hell can't blame the patients of Dr Kevorkian for requesting a way out.

That's not to say that I would do that. It's just that, I do understand the mentality behind it.

I'm too much of a coward to go out like that anyway.

I don't want to go to hell, even if my actions on earth will lead me there.

I'm going on my own merits.

Today was a bad day...

It doesn't happen as often as it used to, in the before time.

Generally speaking I have good days. I feel good, I have no pain, I have energy, and simply I feel nigh invulnerable.

Today was not one of those days.

I'm achy, I'm cranky, I'm tired, I'm cold, and quite frankly I'm not happy about it.

I'm on a catch-all antibiotic, since my immune system is not up to par, and once again my platelets are low. Of course the side effects of the antibiotic are worse than the symptoms.

I can deal with pain. I can deal with the chills. It's the fatigue that "tires" me out.

See what I did there? Corny jokes may be a side effect too. I'll have to look it up.

I don't understand how I went from feeling like a rockstar (I ran a 5k on Sunday. My first... And one of my bucket list entries.) to feeling like a lump of mashed potatoes. The chunky/watery type no one likes.

I still got myself out the door this morning for my 2.2 mile run, and I almost felt normal during it. Once I got home and into bed, my illness came back with a pimpslap Dolemite would applaud.

I hate days like this.

They make me face the awful truth that no matter how much positivity I surround myself with, no matter how much I accomplish, that in the end, none of it matters.

I'm dying.

And I don't want to die just yet.