I have a secret...

For the past 11 years I have been counting down to my death.

A few of my loved ones know this. No one speaks of it. Most think me down right daffy for clinging onto this fear. A select few worry.

You see, I am convinced I will pass away sometime between mid February 2012 and the beginning of March. I have been convinced for the past 10 years (coming on 11 years soon). From the moment I noticed the pattern, I became sure that there is some sort of 11 year curse in my family that affects the women on my mother's side.

From the moment I turn 3, my mother and I shared an interesting quirk. Every 11 years our ages would be inverse. I turned 3, she turned 30. 11 years later, I turned 14, and she, 41.

But what is most peculiar about this quirk, is that every 11 years there's been a death.

Age 3: my great grandmother
Age14: my grandmother
Age 25: my mother

I will be turning 36 soon. Logic dictates I'm next if the pattern is to continue.

My diagnosis in July only helped to push this fear into the forefront.

Am I crazy? I don't know.

Hopefully I'll be wrong and come April I will have made a fool of myself for unnecessarily worrying.

If not, let this blog entry be my testament, that I knew it was coming and though scared beyond all that is and ever was, I am standing tall and not giving up.

I'm dying... But I'm not dead yet.