They say there are no atheists on death row.
That's because once you accept the fact that your time on planet earth is up, well, you try to grab hold of anything that may bring you comfort and the idea of an afterlife is incredibly comforting. Also you must not discount the fact that with nothing much to lose, giving yourself over to religion and it's organized indoctrination is really not much of a gamble.
So my question is simply this: Why am I finding faith in a higher power so hard to accept?
Why do I continue to question the mere existence of God, heaven, etc?
Sure, I was raised Catholic. I went through the years of study, I've read the bible and the apocrypha, I understand the teachings intellectually. I just have a hard time grasping the so-called "mysteries."
In search of my faith I've read the holy books of various other religions, I've studied them, even tried a few on for size, but still blind faith has eluded me.
I'm sometimes envious of those who's beliefs are so set in stone that they would die for them. It must be awesome to know, just KNOW you are saved, or chosen or whathaveyou.
Heck, I'd settle for knowing that there is someone out there controlling the cosmos. It would make me feel better.
I can't bring myself to pray for myself. Not without at least attempting to believe. It's hard.
I'm pragmatic. I try to hedge my bets whenever I can, at least make an effort in taking chance out of the equation. Why can't I do this now? I'm dying. I should be wearing my rosary thin, just in case.
Perhaps I hold those with faith in such high regard that I feel it would be an insult to them to do so.
Perhaps I'm too skeptical.
Perhaps I haven't reached the point of grasping at straws.
I don't know.
I don't know anything.
No comments:
Post a Comment