Today has been both frustrating and hopeful.
I don't quite understand it.
Beyond the usual pomp and circumstance that goes along with my many physician visits, today's visit was unnecessarily cumbersome. Perhaps it was my state of mind on the way there, or it may have been the mental pep talk in the parking lot before walking into the office. Whichever caused it, I walked in ready to battle this heartless bastard I call my caregiver.
I walked in armed with information at the ready, blind siding him with my knowledge. For once I was on the offensive pushing him against the wall, cornering him, forcing his hand to provide more than just the usual verbiage.
Yet he still threw me.
The bastard still caught me, with a suggestion mascarading as an accusation. I was dumbfounded into silence.
I left feeling defeated and ashamed, but something happened on the drive home... Something I cannot explain, nor even properly put into words.
I just felt different.
At some point before I turned off the highway, I felt something that's been missing these last few weeks.
I felt hope.
Nothing happened to bring this feeling on. If anything I should have felt worse, having gone several rounds with the doctor regarding treatment and referrals... Yet for the first time since this crazy train left the station, I don't feel like I'm going off the tracks. Thanks Ozzy.
I don't know if this feeling is the new status quo, or if it's a passing thing. I don't know if it'll still be there tomorrow.
All I know is that today I have hope in my heart that I will not fade from memory as quickly as I've been lead to believe.
Today, I feel alive.
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