Treading water in the sea of want...

I find myself in a cliched holding pattern.

I don't think I like it much.

It seems like there's a lot of activity, and then it all stops, and the waiting begins.

Wait for your doctor's appointment;
Wait for test results;
Wait for scheduling of said appointments or tests;
Wait for my life to either end or begin anew.

I'm getting tired of waiting.

I understand the why's and whatfor's of this waiting game, however my patience for it is starting to wear quite thin, I assure you.

I just wish I could blink my eyes and restructure my universe in such a way that this sword of Damocles would no long hang above me. But then again, I would be surprised if I was the only person in this particular dingy that didn't harbor such thoughts whether or not Barbara Eden was involved.

But for now all I can do is wait and hope the sword dangling over my head does not fall. Because if it does fall, I'm afraid I won't be fast enough to get out of the way.

I want to be proactive, and actually do something. I want to take up arms and battle this illness, this condition, on a level battlefield. I want to feel like I have some semblance of control in what shall be my fate.

I want a lot of things.

Most of all, I want to be well.